Grandmother's Funeral

Doctor's Note

I'm Late

I Don't Have (that report, my homework, etc.)

I Forgot (your birthday, our anniversary, etc.)

I Haven't (cleaned the garage, done the laundry, etc.)

I Didn't Call

Important Notes on Lying

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Important Notes on Lying


In general, it is our philosophy at ExcuseMonkey that it is best to avoid lying; however, that is not always practical, or even possible. When confronted with a situation in which deception is the best option, we urge you to keep in mind the following guiding principles:

    • Vague excuses are generally better than highly specific ones. The reason for this is very simple--the more specifics you have to formulate and remember, the more opportunities you have to get it wrong. Additionally, an abundance of specific information frequently makes an excuse sound fabricated. Be ready with specifics, but don't use them unless you absolutely must.
    • In the same vain, design your excuse in such a way as to discourage others from asking for specific information. A good example would be a "family matter of some urgency". This is the kind of excuse that, while raising more questions than it answers, frequently leaves others uncomfortable with pursuing any further explanation.
    • Likewise, any excuse that is embarrassing or that brings up potentially uncomfortable topics will usually dissuade further discussion. An amusing but popular variation on this theme is "explosive diarrhea".
    • Remember, most of the time, while they might be suspicious, most co-workers and bosses really want to believe your excuse. But they will be insulted if you lie poorly--a really bad lie is far more disrespectful than the fact that you failed to do whatever you were supposed to do. A good lie will not only win you a reprieve, it will maintain and perhaps enhance your working relationships.
    • As a rule, avoid excuses that may require documentation. While injuries, illness, or a death in the family may certainly work as a viable excuse, the ramifications of expected documentation can be daunting. Fortunately, if you've already found yourself in this quandry, we have tools available to help you out.
    • Finally, once you are on the path of deception, fully embrace your lie. The best way to effectively deliver a lie is to believe it; call it "the Method" approach to lying. Once you are no longer certain what the truth is, your opposition is unlikely to question you--to do so could be an insult.

We will end our brief discussion of the principles of deception here. Of course, lying is a rich subject with a long and glorious history and, as such, any discussion as brief as the above is sure to be incomplete. We would encourage you to further explore the resources here at as your guide to the Excuse-Making subset of the Deception Paradigm. Enjoy!

--The Management


Intended, of course, for entertainment purposes only.


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